There has been some confusion recently about the rules and regulations here at the Llama Retribution Squad Academy. The administration has decided it will post the academy regulations here so all students might be able to find, read, and abide by them.
1. Academic Integrity - It violates the policies and rules to have another student, family member or friend who previously attended the Academy, or former member of the janitorial staff write papers, perform spells, or take tests for you. If you can get a teacher to do any of the above, go for it.
2. The Farm - As most of you are aware, we at the Llama Retribution Squad Academy have an on-site farm, so our agriculture students are able to study and learn from these creatures. That said, the fish in the pond DO NOT like champagne and any student who pours champagne into the pond so "the fish may celebrate surviving another term of classes" will be expelled.
3. Fees - We know that some of you feel the fees here at the Llama Retribution Squad Academy are too high. "Exorbitant" according to a few of you. We'd like to remind you that you're training to become a warrior and thus our insurance rates are outrageous. If you'd like to complain, you may contact our insurance agent.
4. "The creature lurking in the South Hall" - his name is Irving and he doesn't appreciate being stared at, called a "creature", or being chased with torches. He does like quiet walks in the park, cuddling in front of a fireplace, and the rain. He has a steady job, his own house, and a "pet" that adores him. If you're interested in meeting him, please call...how did this get in here? Oh well, if you're interested in a date, just go find him in the South Hall.
5. Attendance - You are required to attend all your classes. If you must miss a class, be sure to inform your instructor beforehand so appropriate disciplinary actions may be taken.
Any other regulations deemed necessary by the administration will be added as needed.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Squad Academy Subjects
*Beginning in January, we will begin our regular schedule of classes and orientation will begin it's transition to history.*
Subjects for incoming academy students:
History (formerly orientation)
LRS history is a requirement for each of the five years of your study here at the Llama Retribution Squad Academy. Don't even think about trying to skip this class.
Mathematics
Any academy student must have a thorough understanding of counting, adding, subtracting, using multiplication tables, division, and non-linear algebra.
Science
All academy students are trained in general sciences such as: Basic Physics, Simple Life Sciences, Elementary Earth Sciences. All fourth year students may choose their advanced science subjects from the following: Advanced Cloud Identification, Avoiding Falling Out of Trees 2, Blood and Why You Need It to Live 4, and of course, everyone's favorite: Poisons: Oops You Drank From the Wrong Vial.
LlamaSpeak
Formerly called English, all academy students are required to complete 5 years of LlamaSpeak. Fourth years and up may choose their advanced language subjects from the following: Communicating with Lions 8, Simple Elephant Phrases for Conversation While Waiting for your Starbucks Order 19, or Eloquence in Writing an Evil Plan 5.
PenKeeping
Two years of required classes. Choices include: What To Do When the Roomba Clogs, My Lion Forgot to Feed Me, Now What?, or Don't Headbutt the Pen: How Strong are These Pen Walls Really?
Foreign Languages
Five years required classes. Choose from: Lion 1, Lion 2, Lion 3, Lion 4, Even Nora Can't Pass Lion 5, Elephant 1, Elephant 2, Giraffe 1, Giraffe 2, Penguin 1, Penguin 2, Evil Plans 1, Evil Plans 2, Evil Plans 3, Evil Plans 4, and Elsie's Grand Plan 5.
Basic Life Skills
Minimum of 4 years, 5 if planning to attend University. Choose from: Practical Battle Field Wound Stitching, Notes to Keep Your Family From Worrying, Cannibalism: How to Choose Your Next Dinner, Cooking for One or a Squadron, Does Black Tie Mean No Weapons and Other Etiquette, and Early Childhood Development: Keeping the Children Quiet While Mommy Assassinates the Lion.
Subjects for incoming academy students:
History (formerly orientation)
LRS history is a requirement for each of the five years of your study here at the Llama Retribution Squad Academy. Don't even think about trying to skip this class.
Mathematics
Any academy student must have a thorough understanding of counting, adding, subtracting, using multiplication tables, division, and non-linear algebra.
Science
All academy students are trained in general sciences such as: Basic Physics, Simple Life Sciences, Elementary Earth Sciences. All fourth year students may choose their advanced science subjects from the following: Advanced Cloud Identification, Avoiding Falling Out of Trees 2, Blood and Why You Need It to Live 4, and of course, everyone's favorite: Poisons: Oops You Drank From the Wrong Vial.
LlamaSpeak
Formerly called English, all academy students are required to complete 5 years of LlamaSpeak. Fourth years and up may choose their advanced language subjects from the following: Communicating with Lions 8, Simple Elephant Phrases for Conversation While Waiting for your Starbucks Order 19, or Eloquence in Writing an Evil Plan 5.
PenKeeping
Two years of required classes. Choices include: What To Do When the Roomba Clogs, My Lion Forgot to Feed Me, Now What?, or Don't Headbutt the Pen: How Strong are These Pen Walls Really?
Foreign Languages
Five years required classes. Choose from: Lion 1, Lion 2, Lion 3, Lion 4, Even Nora Can't Pass Lion 5, Elephant 1, Elephant 2, Giraffe 1, Giraffe 2, Penguin 1, Penguin 2, Evil Plans 1, Evil Plans 2, Evil Plans 3, Evil Plans 4, and Elsie's Grand Plan 5.
Basic Life Skills
Minimum of 4 years, 5 if planning to attend University. Choose from: Practical Battle Field Wound Stitching, Notes to Keep Your Family From Worrying, Cannibalism: How to Choose Your Next Dinner, Cooking for One or a Squadron, Does Black Tie Mean No Weapons and Other Etiquette, and Early Childhood Development: Keeping the Children Quiet While Mommy Assassinates the Lion.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Orientation, Part 7
"Nora" paced her bedroom. She had a suspicion Pito was starting to doubt her. A troubling thought if her plan as going to work. She needed to keep him busy and out of the way.
"Pito!" she screeched, hoping he'd hurry to help her.
Her guard llama burst into the room just as a yellow duck wing yanked her over the balcony railing. Before he could reach her, Pito heard a splash into the lake outside Nora's bedroom.
Pito looked down into the water, waiting for Nora to come up for air.
With the moon hidden by clouds, he couldn't see much below him, however, Pito did manage to see some of the reeds on the far side of the lake swaying oddly.
Pito made his way to the great hall. "Llamas!" he called, his arms held wide as he motioned them all toward him.
"We have had a traitor among us. The Nora who has been here the last few days was not our lion, but an impostor! We must find the real Nora and return her to her queendom!"
A cheer rose from the crowd and JoyJoy bound over to Pito, excitedly sneezing and holding up the list "Nora" had insisted she write.
Pito looked at the scribbles and smiled. "Good work, JoyJoy! We have a place to begin!"
Until next time, be ever attentive!
"Pito!" she screeched, hoping he'd hurry to help her.
Her guard llama burst into the room just as a yellow duck wing yanked her over the balcony railing. Before he could reach her, Pito heard a splash into the lake outside Nora's bedroom.
Pito looked down into the water, waiting for Nora to come up for air.
With the moon hidden by clouds, he couldn't see much below him, however, Pito did manage to see some of the reeds on the far side of the lake swaying oddly.
Pito made his way to the great hall. "Llamas!" he called, his arms held wide as he motioned them all toward him.
"We have had a traitor among us. The Nora who has been here the last few days was not our lion, but an impostor! We must find the real Nora and return her to her queendom!"
A cheer rose from the crowd and JoyJoy bound over to Pito, excitedly sneezing and holding up the list "Nora" had insisted she write.
Pito looked at the scribbles and smiled. "Good work, JoyJoy! We have a place to begin!"
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Orientation, Part 6
The duckling managed to escape the herd of llamas running after her. No one was quite sure how. All they knew was she was in front of them one minute and gone the next.
Pito paced in his room. He had a sneaking suspicion that "Nora" had helped the duckling escape. But how? And how could he prove it?
Pito had an idea. He just needed to set a trap.
In Nora's Room
"And tell the llamas that only I, Nora am allowed to chase other animals. Duckling or not," Nora was saying.
JoyJoy nodded at her as she scribbled on a paper.
"And tell the llamas that only I, Nora am allowed to train to fight other animals," Nora added.
JoyJoy nodded and scribbled again.
"Okay, JoyJoy, read them back to me. All eighty-seven of my new directives," Nora demanded.
JoyJoy looked at her paper and titled her head. She smiled at Nora and handed her the paper.
"What's the problem, llama?" Nora began then looked at the scribbles. "Oh. Never mind. I'll write them out myself."
JoyJoy bounced over and gave Nora kisses.
"Okay, okay, you crazy llama. Go play llamaopoly or something," Nora told her.
JoyJoy wandered out of the room but wondered why Nora was suddenly calling her a llama instead of a giraffe like she usually did.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Pito paced in his room. He had a sneaking suspicion that "Nora" had helped the duckling escape. But how? And how could he prove it?
Pito had an idea. He just needed to set a trap.
In Nora's Room
"And tell the llamas that only I, Nora am allowed to chase other animals. Duckling or not," Nora was saying.
JoyJoy nodded at her as she scribbled on a paper.
"And tell the llamas that only I, Nora am allowed to train to fight other animals," Nora added.
JoyJoy nodded and scribbled again.
"Okay, JoyJoy, read them back to me. All eighty-seven of my new directives," Nora demanded.
JoyJoy looked at her paper and titled her head. She smiled at Nora and handed her the paper.
"What's the problem, llama?" Nora began then looked at the scribbles. "Oh. Never mind. I'll write them out myself."
JoyJoy bounced over and gave Nora kisses.
"Okay, okay, you crazy llama. Go play llamaopoly or something," Nora told her.
JoyJoy wandered out of the room but wondered why Nora was suddenly calling her a llama instead of a giraffe like she usually did.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Orientation, Part 5
Pito was growing increasingly alarmed by the way Nora's mouth didn't move when she spoke. Though she did still order everyone around so he wasn't as concerned as he might have otherwise been. However, three days after Pito had crashed his motorcycle, "Nora" made an odd request for lunch.
"Llamas, I am tired of cheeseburgers. I'd like a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly, some celery with peanut butter, and a peanut butter milkshake. Make it happen, llamas!" she demanded.
Pito had a sneaking suspicion that "Nora" wasn't Nora. He wondered if somehow Evil Emperoress Elsie had managed to infiltrate their group.
He was about to confront "Nora" when JoyJoy, who is actually a giraffe but since she's the only giraffe in their neighborhood, they let her join the llama retribution squad, came running over to Pito.
She was terribly excited and it took several minutes for her to stop sneezing enough to explain what was happening. Finally she pointed to a spot in the fence and Pito just saw a hint of yellow.
"Is it the duckling?" he asked JoyJoy.
She nodded and pointed again.
Pito managed to get the llamas attention.
"Llamas, the duckling that attacked Nora and I is hiding in those bushes over there! If we have any hope of protecting Nora, we must capture that duckling and interrogate her!" Pito proclaimed.
The llamas turned to look at the bushes where Pito pointed.
"Let's get her!" They yelled as they took off toward the fence.
"Uh oh," Pito heard "Nora" say just before she ran for the fence.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
"Llamas, I am tired of cheeseburgers. I'd like a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly, some celery with peanut butter, and a peanut butter milkshake. Make it happen, llamas!" she demanded.
Pito had a sneaking suspicion that "Nora" wasn't Nora. He wondered if somehow Evil Emperoress Elsie had managed to infiltrate their group.
He was about to confront "Nora" when JoyJoy, who is actually a giraffe but since she's the only giraffe in their neighborhood, they let her join the llama retribution squad, came running over to Pito.
She was terribly excited and it took several minutes for her to stop sneezing enough to explain what was happening. Finally she pointed to a spot in the fence and Pito just saw a hint of yellow.
"Is it the duckling?" he asked JoyJoy.
She nodded and pointed again.
Pito managed to get the llamas attention.
"Llamas, the duckling that attacked Nora and I is hiding in those bushes over there! If we have any hope of protecting Nora, we must capture that duckling and interrogate her!" Pito proclaimed.
The llamas turned to look at the bushes where Pito pointed.
"Let's get her!" They yelled as they took off toward the fence.
"Uh oh," Pito heard "Nora" say just before she ran for the fence.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Monday, May 16, 2016
Orientation, Part 4
Hurrying to Nora's house, Pito called all his llama friends and called an emergency meeting of the Tired of Nora's Bossiness Support Group. That was the original name of the Llama Retribution Squad.
The llamas assembled in front of Nora's house, much like you're assembling in this auditorium. They listened to the problem and then snorted. They thought Pito was calling them together to complain about something Nora did.
It was while they were arguing over who's turn it was to bring the wheat grass milkshakes, it was totally Paco's turn, that they heard a noise coming from the bushes.
Nora suddenly appeared in the brush and she yelled at Pito, "Hey you stupid llama! Why did you leave me in the ditch?"
Pito looked confused. He hadn't left Nora in the ditch, she'd been gone.
He held his injured foot with one of his good feet and looked at Nora. Something about her looked different, but he couldn't quite figure it out.
"You were gone," Pito finally said.
"I was hiding from the cute duckling," Nora told him. "He looked dangerous."
Pito frowned. "Oh. Well, I'm glad you made it home safe."
"Me too," Nora said, but Pito noticed her mouth didn't move when she spoke. And while her face looked like it always did, her body was white, not the golden it normally was.
Before he could ask about it though, Nora shouted to the rest of the llamas, "Who wants a wheat grass milkshake?"
In the chaos of the moment, she disappeared into the house with the herd.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
The llamas assembled in front of Nora's house, much like you're assembling in this auditorium. They listened to the problem and then snorted. They thought Pito was calling them together to complain about something Nora did.
It was while they were arguing over who's turn it was to bring the wheat grass milkshakes, it was totally Paco's turn, that they heard a noise coming from the bushes.
Nora suddenly appeared in the brush and she yelled at Pito, "Hey you stupid llama! Why did you leave me in the ditch?"
Pito looked confused. He hadn't left Nora in the ditch, she'd been gone.
He held his injured foot with one of his good feet and looked at Nora. Something about her looked different, but he couldn't quite figure it out.
"You were gone," Pito finally said.
"I was hiding from the cute duckling," Nora told him. "He looked dangerous."
Pito frowned. "Oh. Well, I'm glad you made it home safe."
"Me too," Nora said, but Pito noticed her mouth didn't move when she spoke. And while her face looked like it always did, her body was white, not the golden it normally was.
Before he could ask about it though, Nora shouted to the rest of the llamas, "Who wants a wheat grass milkshake?"
In the chaos of the moment, she disappeared into the house with the herd.
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Orientation, Part 3
Pito hurried Nora from the restaurant, somehow managed to get her on his motorcycle, and screeched out of the parking lot. He was torn, he knew he should follow the duckling and get to the Evil Emperoress Elsie, but he also knew he needed to get Nora to safety before she found out who was behind the attack and made things worse by going to talk to Elsie.
He was certain getting Nora home was the best idea. Once there he could call his fellow llamas and they could figure out what to do.
"Hey Pito, what's with the grocery list?" Nora asked suddenly.
"What list?" Pito asked, hoping she didn't have Elsie's list.
"This one," Nora said as she shoved it in front of Pito's face.
Unfortunately, Pito was still driving his motorcycle and when she shoved the paper in his face, he began to swerve. He could hear a semi coming at them and just as Nora screamed he swerved back into his own lane, over the edge, and into a ditch.
When he looked up, the duckling was standing there. Laughing.
Pito was mad. He'd crashed his motorcycle and had hit his foot on a rock. Now his toe was hurting. A lot. And the duckling laughed.
"Hey, that's not funny. I hurt my toe," Pito yelled up at him.
"Oh, sorry," the duckling called back. "Nora was just funny flailing like that."
Pito shrugged in agreement. He turned to help Nora from the ditch, but...
SHE WAS GONE!!!
Tune in next time! Until then, be ever attentive!
He was certain getting Nora home was the best idea. Once there he could call his fellow llamas and they could figure out what to do.
"Hey Pito, what's with the grocery list?" Nora asked suddenly.
"What list?" Pito asked, hoping she didn't have Elsie's list.
"This one," Nora said as she shoved it in front of Pito's face.
Unfortunately, Pito was still driving his motorcycle and when she shoved the paper in his face, he began to swerve. He could hear a semi coming at them and just as Nora screamed he swerved back into his own lane, over the edge, and into a ditch.
When he looked up, the duckling was standing there. Laughing.
Pito was mad. He'd crashed his motorcycle and had hit his foot on a rock. Now his toe was hurting. A lot. And the duckling laughed.
"Hey, that's not funny. I hurt my toe," Pito yelled up at him.
"Oh, sorry," the duckling called back. "Nora was just funny flailing like that."
Pito shrugged in agreement. He turned to help Nora from the ditch, but...
SHE WAS GONE!!!
Tune in next time! Until then, be ever attentive!
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Orientation, Part 2
As we previously covered, it was a time of unrest for The Bed. Nora was concerned evil factions wanted her throne. Pito, the Mighty was eating oats, cause that's what llamas do.
Over a late lunch, Pito had listened to Nora's rantings and just decided she was hallucinating and crazy.
It was in the middle of a particularly tasty brownie that Pito saw a young duckling. It had a sweet face and was watching Pito eat his brownie. Just as the llama was about to ask the waiter to help the child find it's mother, the duckling took out what Pito thought was a straw.
As he watched, the duckling lifted the straw to it's beak and took a deep breath. In that instant Pito's thought was, "That's not how you use a straw."
His next thought was, "Where's that duckling's glass of milk?"
Then his thought was, "Duck!" which he shouted at Nora.
"Where?" Nora asked as she started to turn to see the duck.
Pito tackled the lion, rolling them both to safety behind another table as the poisoned dart the duckling shot at Nora landed in Nora's chair.
"Pito! You messed up my dress," Nora whined.
"Later, some duckling just tried to kill you," Pito said as he stood and raced toward the Maitre D stand, only to find a note.
On one side it read:
Your rule will end!!!
On the other was a grocery list.
Peanuts
Peanut butter
Wheat grass
Peanut butter cookies
Something the llamas like
Pito put the note in his pocket. There was only one animal who could be so cruel and evil as to try and bribe the llamas.
Evil Emperoress Elsie!
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Over a late lunch, Pito had listened to Nora's rantings and just decided she was hallucinating and crazy.
It was in the middle of a particularly tasty brownie that Pito saw a young duckling. It had a sweet face and was watching Pito eat his brownie. Just as the llama was about to ask the waiter to help the child find it's mother, the duckling took out what Pito thought was a straw.
As he watched, the duckling lifted the straw to it's beak and took a deep breath. In that instant Pito's thought was, "That's not how you use a straw."
His next thought was, "Where's that duckling's glass of milk?"
Then his thought was, "Duck!" which he shouted at Nora.
"Where?" Nora asked as she started to turn to see the duck.
Pito tackled the lion, rolling them both to safety behind another table as the poisoned dart the duckling shot at Nora landed in Nora's chair.
"Pito! You messed up my dress," Nora whined.
"Later, some duckling just tried to kill you," Pito said as he stood and raced toward the Maitre D stand, only to find a note.
On one side it read:
Your rule will end!!!
On the other was a grocery list.
Peanuts
Peanut butter
Wheat grass
Peanut butter cookies
Something the llamas like
Pito put the note in his pocket. There was only one animal who could be so cruel and evil as to try and bribe the llamas.
Evil Emperoress Elsie!
Until next time, be ever attentive!
Saturday, January 16, 2016
The Llama Retribution Squad Academy
Good Day and welcome to the Llama Retribution Squad Academy Orientation.
You will spend the next five years learning and studying the history and ways of the Llama Retribution Squad. Your job, as future agents, is to preserve this information in your brain for future use. This information could save your life.
We begin our studies with a history of the founding of the Llama Retribution Squad.
It was a time of unrest for The Bed. The peaceful time of Nora's rule was being challenged by evil factions. Nora was determined to hold onto her queendom but knew she needed help. She turned to her most trusted friend, the great and mighty, Pito. She begged for Pito's help, begged for him to gather his trusted llama herd, to train the herd, and to vow allegiance and loyalty to her forever.
After he swallowed the huge bite of oats he'd taken just before Nora began to speak, he looked her in the eyes and asked, "What? I was eating these delicious oats."
Much later in the day, after Pito's post snack nap, Nora managed to convince the Mighty Pito there was a danger and she needed his help. Over a late lunch, that Nora immediately regretted offering to buy if Pito would just listen to her arguments, Pito began to think Nora was having some severe hallucinations and that she was a lot crazy.
It was during dessert that Pito changed his mind...
Until tomorrow's class, be ever attentive.
You will spend the next five years learning and studying the history and ways of the Llama Retribution Squad. Your job, as future agents, is to preserve this information in your brain for future use. This information could save your life.
We begin our studies with a history of the founding of the Llama Retribution Squad.
It was a time of unrest for The Bed. The peaceful time of Nora's rule was being challenged by evil factions. Nora was determined to hold onto her queendom but knew she needed help. She turned to her most trusted friend, the great and mighty, Pito. She begged for Pito's help, begged for him to gather his trusted llama herd, to train the herd, and to vow allegiance and loyalty to her forever.
After he swallowed the huge bite of oats he'd taken just before Nora began to speak, he looked her in the eyes and asked, "What? I was eating these delicious oats."
Much later in the day, after Pito's post snack nap, Nora managed to convince the Mighty Pito there was a danger and she needed his help. Over a late lunch, that Nora immediately regretted offering to buy if Pito would just listen to her arguments, Pito began to think Nora was having some severe hallucinations and that she was a lot crazy.
It was during dessert that Pito changed his mind...
Until tomorrow's class, be ever attentive.
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